Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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