I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
