Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
