I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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