u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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