Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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