Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
