where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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