glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
