apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
