Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Pants are for mortals
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
