I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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