My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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