My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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