been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
