Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
