i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
