sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
