I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just pee around me
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
