I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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