wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
