I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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