i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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