We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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