Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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