i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
