Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
