We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Randomize
