so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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