Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
