My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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