there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm passing your future prison.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
