So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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