Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
