I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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