I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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