Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
