I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
