Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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