when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize