i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
