I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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