Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
