Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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