She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
