You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize