i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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