I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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