Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
