It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I don't deserve a penis
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
