So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
