I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
