never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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