Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
