My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize