Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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