Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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