I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My cat gives me a boner
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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